Doubt, rationalization and unexpected conduits

The realization that I was called by Legba, even before understanding who he is or what that meant, has made me feel happy and confident about this path. (Thank you, Legba.) It has also made me excited to work with other lwa. Some doubt has crept in along with the excitement, and I am not sure if this is a bad thing or a good thing. Possibly it’s a little of both.

Back when I suffered from severe depression, my decision making was very impaired. Depending on how I felt at that moment, I was either stupidly impulsive or so overrun with doubt that I could not make a decision at all. These tendencies only added to my problems, leading me to do things that I later regretted.

Although I am no longer depressed, I still have those tendencies within me; they’re just much better controlled by a more objective point of view and my sometimes domineering rational side. I have a great respect and fondness for my rational side, as it keeps me out of trouble. However, it does sometimes make spiritual work more difficult.

At this time, there are about three lwas that I either feel drawn to serve or am interested in approaching. Generally, though, I’ve learned that the lwa choose us and not the other way around, although one can approach them and hope for a response. My problem is that I am having trouble distinguishing if I am being called to these lwas, or if I am simply attracted to them for other reasons. Initially I had my doubts with Legba too, until I reviewed my notes from last year (see previous blog entry).

I was trying to figure this out and leaning towards approaching two of these lwa last week. During a late night chat with an online friend (I will refer to her as Angie here), I received some much needed (if a little confusing at times) advice. What follows is a partial transcript of the conversation, which appears here with her permission. Very little has been changed except for our names  and the removal of information that was unnecessary.

In order for this conversation to make sense, I also need to mention here that I am Therian, or someone who believes I am part animal, in a nonphysical sense. The expalanations for this vary from person to person, but in my case I believe that I lived as a medium-sized solitary solid-colored tropical cat in a previous life. (Interested readers should google “therian” or “therianthropy” for more information. There are a lot of sites and forums out there.) This is hardly a new idea, and different cultures have different ways to describe this belief. My friend Angie is also Therian.

So, moving along:

cheshirecatman: I’m considering approaching two more lwas, but am starting to second guess myself like always. i annoy me

angie: i tell you what: find a nice shadowy spot which gives you a good view on the trail, and when they pass, pounce!

cheshirecatman: ooh, bad idea. you are going to get me into trouble

angie: *giggles*

cheshirecatman: i can’t tell if i’m meant to approach them or if i’m just choosing to or if it even matters.  i’m pleased with what’s happened with legba, but am unsure of everything else

angie: see, if you do the hiding in shadows and pouncing thing, then if they come by you’ll know it’s right

cheshirecatman: that’s actually kind of correct except the hiding part

angie: but you’re a cat. that’s what you do!

cheshirecatman: yeah

angie: they’ll know

cheshirecatman: that’s an interesting point

cheshirecatman: but they see me coming too far in advance i think. like, 16 months

angie: that why you need a good spot, where you can hide properly….

angie: a dang, that’s too long, yeah

cheshirecatman: i’m thinking i can approach them, and they can respond or not. if not, then that’s that. if they do, then yay

angie: you mean, not hiding in bushes, but sitting out in the path? is not good idea, sit too long in path

cheshirecatman: more like leaving them an offering and see if they like it

angie: many things come along path

cheshirecatman: i’m kind of thinking of two lwa that seem right, but i don’t know if they’ll think the same of me

angie: *shakes her head in confusion* damn, i hate when that happens

cheshirecatman: generally in vodou the lwa choose you. not the other way around. but i can’t tell if an attraction to these two means anything other than an attraction on my part

angie: …from “i tell you what” until “many things come along path”

angie: that was only kind of me. take it as you wish, because i don’t understand that

cheshirecatman: *looking back at previous text*

angie: i was mentally in a damn jungle

cheshirecatman: ok so this is interesting…by kind of you, do you mean as in shift type stuff or like possession or channeling?

angie: i don’t know. almost like shifting. but not really. and when i shift deeply i speak differently, and my fingers claw up

angie: and there were no freaking jungles where i came from, much less big black cats, and things wandering paths

cheshirecatman: interesting

angie: there was a strong impression that there were things coming along the path which were almost human, and other things which were not human at all

cheshirecatman: hmmm

angie: i mean, not human, but, not … physical? earthly?

cheshirecatman: i am almost translating that (looking over notes) that I should stop second guessing because i might end up with something i don’t want

cheshirecatman: that would make sense though, if they’re lwa, they’re not physical in the earthly sense

angie: …..my reading of it is, wait in the right place. watch. don’t wait in the path. wait next to the path.

cheshirecatman: not sure what the path vs the right place is though

angie: very very important

cheshirecatman: so do you get these kinds of impressions often?

angie: it means, not where everybody and thing coming by will walk right over you.

sometimes. not often.

I knew that Angie was good at sensing energies, but did not know that she could be a conduit for messages from the other side. I was a little surprised, but also glad for the advice, which seemed to indicate that I should step back a little bit and not rush things. The skeptical person might wonder how I know that this is in fact a message from the other side and not just someone’s tired rambling? My answer would be that, in this type of phenomena, it’s very difficult to provide hard proof, especially when the message is of a personal nature. At this point in time, I just rely on my own judgment. I take into account not only the content of the information /advice provided, but also how the information comes through and the character of the person who is the conduit. This is the first time this has happened while chatting with Angie, and she has never ever claimed to be a medium. I’d also like to add that most people possess some ability to receive these types of messages, whether that ability manifests in dreams, visions or “gut feelings.”

Regardless of where the information came from, it still is good advice, given the impulsive side of my nature.

I’ve stepped back some, but am still thinking about one of the three lwas I feel drawn to. I am trying to be objective when examining past dreams and occurrences for meanings. I am also trying not to over-rationalize, as both Puck (my cat helper on the other side) and another friend have told me to “listen to my gut.”

The lwa in question is La Sirene (meaning “the siren” or “the mermaid”). She can be helpful to creative people, including artists. I’ll say here that I have sculpted a few mermaids over the years, but that alone does not mean anything in particular, as a lot of  people like mermaids. A color that is strongly associated with her is blue green, which brings to mind the striking color of the water in my dream described in my previous blog post. The color of the dress of a spirit who sat down next to me on the bus was blue (although I’m not sure of the precise shade), with white flowers. Granted, I am not saying an association with color is necessarily enough to go on, but I have had spirits communicate with me using specific colors before.

I found this information on her at http://www.sosyetedumarche.com/html/siren_balen.html. I am not sure how accurate this description is, but it brings to mind again the water in my dream and its rejuvenating effects. I have indeed been feeling “overstretched” for the past few years and am in the process of focusing on what’s important to me and letting go of the rest.

La Siren is considered to be the “Mother of the Fish”. She shares this title with Yemaya of Santeria, whose names also mean “Mother whose Children are the Fish.  In both cases, the inner meaning is that since she is the mother of the world, her children are too numerous to count – not unlike the fish who inhabit her domain of the sea. Modern science has shown that life actually began in the oceans of the world.  And, as a fetus, we swim for nine months in our mother’s belly. So, the stretch to calling the Ocean our Mother is not all that big – a large body of salt water, rolling and moving with the tides. Not unlike being rocked in the womb of our mother. And, just as early life evolved out of the oceans, we too must change from little fish-like fetuses into human beings at birth.  We come from the waters and manifest ourselves into the reality of our world. This can be seen as an allegory of LaSiren, who brings her initiates knowledge from beneath her watery domain, helping them manifest their desires.

LaSiren is beautiful, but she also very powerful! It is said that if you fall under her spell, she will steal you away to her underwater kingdom. Here, she will keep you for a time (some stories say 7 days, other say 7 years). When you return, you are given the ability to perform feats of magic and divination. It’s said those who have spent time in her watery domain return lighter in color, because they have gone beneath the waters.

LaSiren represents the ability to nurture and  nourish yourself. To replenish your energies and to take time out for yourself. Her ceaseless motion  of waves and tides lends you endless energy. This can be a boon, but a burden, for others may see you as one who can perform miracles!  If you are hearing the siren call of LaSiren, stop and ask yourself this –  who or what is it that is taking all your time and energy? Whose problems are you trying to fix at the expense of your own vital energy? And why are you trying to fix them? LaSiren is calling to you, to remind you that you are in charge of your own destiny, not the destiny of others. She is inviting you to take the plunge into her cool dark depths, to find the answers within yourself. But that can only be accomplished if you are willing to let go of the mundane world around you and plumb your own inner seas of consciousness and talents. LaSiren invites us to dance with her, in an endless round of  ebb and flow, the give and take of life.

I am still questioning my interpretations of all this, and continue fluctuating between listening to my head or trusting my gut. More thought and research are required on my part. I will revisit this subject later.

angie: you mean, not hiding in bushes, but sitting out in the path?

angie: is not good idea, sit too long in path

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